Life for me was running smoothly, as I grew up from a teenage boy to a young man bristling with energy. I did not think there was anything amiss or different about me, even when I saw a documentary film on Television about an Arab man who was expelled from his country for being homosexual. I considered myself a normal heterosexual man, and thought I will one day fall in love with a girl whom I shall marry, even though I never developed any such feelings. I would instead tell myself that I was being a good man by not looking at girls with a “bad intention”. On the other hand, I was always very interested in developing friendship with older men. Even though I engaged in a little “fun” with some of these men, but that never changed the way I felt about myself. I had a gnawing need to have such relationships, but I would never accept myself as gay. I was a straight man in my eyes and never doubted my sexual orientation. However, things were set to change when I joined a reputed organisation.
Until now, sex had never bothered me. I was more concerned about my career and my goals in life. Your career can be a good distraction from trivial things in life as it keeps you focussed on one thing. But life has a funny way of getting onto you and sometimes small changes can affect you in a big manner, like these two-three (older) men that I met who brought forth feelings that I had been suppressing since childhood. And even though we never went beyond feeling each other’s manhood, the act provided me with great pleasure, and it often left me wanting for more. But these actions never threatened my sexuality. These were mere man-on-man fun that many men, including married ones, engaged in sometimes. I was to marry a girl eventually, for isn’t that what all men are supposed to do? How was I any different then? However, the emptiness inside of me kept growing. There would be a surge of emotions when I watched a handsome man. I wanted to sit beside him, talk to him. I wanted him to like me the way I liked him. At times I managed to attract the attention of a few men as well, but that wasn’t enough for me. What I wanted was too taboo for me, I didn’t want to be called gay. Wouldn’t it be weird if I had sex with another man? How was that even possible? But what my mind would hate, my heart would desire. While I lived this dichotomous life, another incident was going to change me forever.
A senior official from our company’s branch in another city visited our office one day. He was to retire in 10 days, and was going to stay with us for those many days. There was a radiant glow on his face, and it instantly caught my attention. I was 22 then, and he must have been 35. I had always been attracted to older men. He was to sleep with us the first night, his bed abutting mine. There were two more people in the room, and they had already fallen asleep. It was a cold winter night, but sleep eluded me. I had bought a new blanket to keep me warm, but the other person had no warm clothes or blanket and I could see him shivering. His feet were cold already. I offered him my blanket, and he gladly accepted it. I started to talk to him and enquired why he had no hair on his head. He told me that he was posted in a cold region earlier and the woollen cap he would wear was the cause of his baldness. I then started showing him pictures on my phone. I showed him my sister’s husband’s picture, who was a bodybuilder. I was lying close to him and his handsome face was a major distraction for me. Soon we ran out of things to talk about and I touched his face. There was no response from him. I asked him if I could kiss him, and he consented. Next moment, I was kissing his sweet lips. Then I moved to his bed, and we hugged each other tight. He came soon, but we kept kissing each other much longer. It was mid night already, and we slept after that short encounter. The next morning I was feeling sad that he had to leave. Throughout the day I kept thinking about him and praying that I get another chance to meet him. I had fallen in love and that too with a man. I now began doubting my sexuality for I was developing feelings for a man.
Who was I? Straight? Gay? That one night opened up the door for self-acceptance for me. I was no longer ashamed to admit to myself that I was gay, and that I could fall in love with a man.
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- How A One Night Stand Changed My Life And Helped Me Accept Myself As Gay - October 13, 2016