Everyone says childhood is the best phase of one’s life, but mine was devastating. I never wish to see it even in my wildest dreams. I struggled through fits (seizures) from the age of 4 till I was 16 yrs old, which led to complete detachment from friends. I tried many treatments for my fits, including head massages, which meant I had to go bald every week. It was very depressing as I would get teased and bullied at school. But the real horror began after the tragic accident that took my mother away from me forever, leaving me to a monster dad who raped me.
At the age of 8, I lost my mom in a car accident. After she passed away, my dad was no longer ready to look after me. He left me in the hands of my old grandparents. But, it wasn’t enough relief for him because my dad himself became the first person to violate me physically. After the first time he did, there was no going back. His friend whom I used to call George uncle forced me to touch his private parts one day when I was alone at home. It soon became a regular affair. He would come home after my dad went to work and made me perform different sexual acts till he was satisfied. I felt helpless and just kept doing so out of fear and confusion.
I still remember clearly I was in my 7th grade and we went to Hampi for picnic from school. All the kids went into water to play. Like any other kid I wanted to play as well and when I undressed I realised there were blood stains on my underwear, and it was hurting a lot. I got so embarrassed in front of other kids. But the worst part was I had no one to speak to. I used to silently cry during showers, alone in bed and try to forget all my pain and start a fresh day every morning. I missed my mom terribly during such moments. I kept telling myself if she was around all these wouldn’t have happened and my life could be different for the better.
When I reached high school, my grandparents bought me a bicycle. I was pretty excited initially, but soon I figured out that I couldn’t ride it because my private parts would bleed and hurt. But I couldn’t tell this to anyone, so I would walk to school with my bicycle, or park it at some distance from my home and take the bus. At other times I would simply skip school to escape all the humiliation and pain.
Through the period of sexual abuse, depression and loneliness, my self-esteem and confidence ebbed. When I would speak, my voice was so low and soft that people thought I spoke through my nose. My classmates started calling me “Chaka” or “Hingda” (Transgender). These name callings broke me down further and made me feel completely worthless. The anxiety and depression had taken a toll leading me to a failed suicide attempt. I was put in hospital for 2 days but my dad didn’t even turn up once. Every time I contacted him he said he was busy.
Meanwhile, sexual assault continued in my life. After finishing school I had to spend the 3 months’ vacation with my dad in Kerala. He didn’t even turn up to pick me up at the airport even though he had promised. Instead, George the monster was there. I didn’t have any choice but to sit in his car. The moment we left the airport he started talking about sex, started touching me inappropriately, kept forcing me to kiss him. The vacation had already turned to a nightmare. I was taken to a hotel where my dad was staying. When I asked the monster where my dad was, he said he was inside. But when I reached the room he wasn’t there. I realised I was trapped. The monster raped me there. My dad arrived 2 hrs later. He acted completely oblivious of everything and they started drinking in the room while I was lying miserably on the bed. And that’s how I spent two months there.
There were other friends of his who came and raped me. My dad remained completely silent while I suffered. He knew every bit of what was happening, he just chose to be silent.
After 2 miserable months I joined college for pre-university education, but things hardly improved. Bullying and teasing was an everyday affair. So I decided that in order to avoid all the nonsense I should work. I joined a Vodafone store as a customer services staff, working part time after college hours. However, things were the same again every time I visited my dad or he visited me.
Each vacation at his place, the monster George would sexually abuse me and when I tried to shout for help, he covered my mouth with his hand and then stuffed cloth to shut me up. After having raped me like this, he would threaten me against reporting. He threatened that he would kill me if I told anyone. This terrible thing went on for 12 fucking years, starting from the age of 8!
I changed jobs, I changed cities, hoping that I could escape the trauma, but nothing worked! I landed up with a call centre job in Bangalore and that unfortunately turned out to be one of the worst decisions I ever made. I was staying in a Paying Guest, but my father made me shift to an apartment. Unknown people would visit me, telling that they were my father’s friends and would rape me. To my horror, these people had another key to my apartment as well. My dad used to visit my apartment too with his friends, would get drunk and assault me sexually. I simply blacked out when this was happening to me. I would be always left with pain and nothing else. My father was surprisingly interested to know about my friends and how they looked. He would take my phone and send them abusive messages. I lost all my friends because of it, but I realised recently that he wanted to do similar things to my friends as well. His friend George used to blackmail me, threatening me that he would tell my grandparents about it. I wish I had let him call my grandparents, because it was they who were at fault, not me! I couldn’t go to work regularly with everything that was happening to me and it eventually led to my termination from office.
In 2009 I joined an airline at Bengaluru. I shifted closer to the airport thinking that I would be far from those bastards. But they wouldn’t just leave me. They still found me and they even started making weekend plans at my place. They would drive to Bengaluru over the weekend, abuse and assault me and go back to Kochi on Monday. I realised that it had become even easier for them, being far away from the city the chances of getting caught or seen were much less. Fortunately, I was sent to Mumbai for 3 months by the airline. It was indeed the first time I was free, free from those bastards. After the 3 months training I was back in Bengaluru again. I was spared the torture of those people, but my destiny was quite screwed up anyway. I had gone to the city for a movie in the evening, and by the time I was returning, it was late at night. I took a shared cab plying on the roads of Bangalore. There were 3 more guys in it. But they took a detour, and when I realized something was amiss, they took out knives and drove me 25 kms away. I was mugged and also sexually assaulted by one of them. They took away all my cash and mobile and left me with only 50 Rs to reach home. When I finally managed to reach home with the help of some good Samaritans, I could only recall my father’s number. When I called him up, he shouted at me for having called him so early in the morning! He sent one of his friends with some cash and a new mobile. But that friend of him raped me before leaving. I was in pain, and felt disgusted with myself. Whenever I tried telling my father what his friends were doing to me, he would slap me and hit me. His friends would come, have sex with me and leave some cash. I then started meeting people for money, thinking this was easy cash, even though I felt disgusted by it.
I moved to Dubai in 2014. My father’s abuses continued on phone and messages. I will admit that even in Dubai, for the first four months, I would meet people as an escort. But I realised I was going astray and quit after a point. But my father and his friends visited me in Dubai, that far just to sexually abuse me!
My grandmother expired in 2016 and I had to visit India. My father and his monstrous friend were there too. After the funeral, his friend came to my room and tried to force himself on me. For the first time in my life, I resisted and slapped him and walked away! I returned back to Dubai, while my father’s abusive calls and texts continued. Some months later I got the news that my grandfather too had passed away and had to come to India for his funeral. When my grandfather’s Will was read out, my father had the shock of his life as he had left everything to me. That night, he came to my room with his friend, slapped me to show his anger while his friend grabbed me from the back. I returned back to Dubai soon. His abusive messages and calls still continue.
In 2015, I met a guy via Grindr and fell in love with him. He has been my strength and taught me to stand up and fight. I opened up to him about my abuse, and he made me realise many things which I probably knew but never wanted to acknowledge. My father knew what his friends were doing to me, and was in fact getting paid for it!! This realisation totally broke me up! He visited my father’s Facebook profile and also pointed out that my father had remarried soon after my mother’s death and had a daughter through his second marriage! No one in my family ever knew about it.
We have been together for two years now, and I owe my happiness today to him. But having faced so much in life, I am very insecure about people I love as I have always lost them. I pray to God that he stays by my side always.
Editor’s Note: We are in conversation with the person and trying to link him with psycho-social and legal support.
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- My Father and His Friends Sexually Abused Me For 12 Years From The Age of 8 - December 21, 2016