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We went to Bandstand for our first date. He wanted to take me to Juhu, but I wanted to avoid a crowded place.

It was just like any other first date I have been on; conversations, laughing on silly jokes and awkward silences. When I came back, I thought it didn’t go too well and maybe we’d never meet again; but a text from him changed my mind. He said the next time we’ll go to Juhu, he’ll take me to a secluded corner which was away from the crowd.

A couple of days later I asked him out again and he took me to Juhu, to a place which I’ll never be able to forget. A silent corner of the beach. It became my favourite spot in Mumbai after a while and we went there multiple times after that. He told me before our second date that he doesn’t want to sleep with me as of yet, coz that leads to weak relationships and he’d like to know me better. He was an amazing person whenever I met him- sweet and caring. It was just his skills on texting that needed improvement. But nevertheless, everything was going fine. We mutually agreed to take it slow. Until I found that he was still using Grindr.

I had nothing to say coz we weren’t in a relationship, I didn’t have any sort of claim over him. But it hurt. I still decided to confront him and asked him about it. He deleted the app in front of me from his phone and told me he doesn’t know why he uses it and the next time he feels like using the app, he’ll tell me about it. A month later, we planned to meet at his place. I was halfway to his place when he informed me he’ll be late. He reaches, kinda drunk and tells me he went out with a guy he just met on Grindr while I waited an hour in front of his house. He said he lost track of time and he tried to leave early. Apparently he had told the guy that he had me in his life and the guy suggested him to tell me how much he liked me. He did. Hugged me and told me that he liked me and that he didn’t want to lose me and thanked me for not making a scene out of the whole situation. I didn’t want to. I felt bad that he went out with another guy but then I couldn’t say anything to him coz again, I had no claim on him.

I don’t know why I didn’t leave him then. Maybe coz he made me very comfortable whenever I was with him. He had expressed before that he didn’t want a relationship as of now and I was fine with it. But I just didn’t want to be the person waiting for him while he was out there meeting anybody and everybody. 

It has been 5 months since I met him and I have told him twice about my feelings regarding our situation and every time he tells me not to let go and hold on for a little while longer and that he doesn’t want to lose me. It sounds a little less sincere each time.

I still don’t know why it hurts every time he goes out with another guy. Why it hurts when he doesn’t respond to my texts. Why it hurts when he rarely takes the initiative of texting me first. Why I haven’t tried to just let him go and pursue other people. But I just hope that he doesn’t know that it takes just one hug from him to make me forget of all the reasons I came up with for letting him go.

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