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Growing Up: The Story of a Pink Teen

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Sad TeenAbhishek Divyam narrates his experience of growing up as a gay teen, from being bullied in school to being taken advantage of by lustful men caring little about his emotions or pains

Growing up was never easy. But it was great. I still cry sometimes, thinking of the times I was bullied and abused, but I guess I can grow past that one day. Here is my story, and probably the story of so many other gay teens who are suffering at every moment.

I was born, sadly to those orthodox Hindu families where God was the answer to every question, and the justification for every action. I grew up fearing God, because I was told God hated those who “sin”. Life was good, till I turned 10, puberty peeped in and all the hell was let loose. I knew I was different, and soon I came to know that I was gay. It isn’t easy, being different in middle school. It is actually the worst thing you can ever ask for. The non-stop bullying and teasing made my life hell. I never told anyone that I was gay but the boys of my class refused to befriend me because I was “different”.

Every night I cried myself to sleep, for I knew the next morning I would have to go to school and get bullied again. My seniors would throw away my lunch and push me around, and many would call me a “chakka”. But I never could tell my parents. So I grew up alone. I needed someone to talk to, but I was scared. Scared to trust anyone. The passing away of my father when I was 13 made things worse for me.

So I turned to the virtual world, joining Orkut and Facebook, hoping to find a friend who would understand me. Initially, most people refused to talk to me, because I was “too young” or I didn’t have my pictures uploaded. But some people lingered on, of them, most were hoping to fulfill their twink fantasies. Sadly, I was neither too slim nor smooth like the gay boys you see on TV. So they left too. I soon realised that there were more penises in the world ready to screw me than there were people to understand me. And I learnt it the hard way. I always dreamt of my “first time sex”- with my boyfriend, on a rainy night. But instead I lost my virginity when I was 13 to a stranger who forced me into his bed, and paid no heeds to my cries and pleas. I had my share of dark memories- of being forced by men to do stuffs that I didn’t ask for. It wasn’t the pain that I protested, it was the injuries to my conscience. It was the guilt of what I had become. I spent nights crying and contemplating suicide. Going to sleep and never waking up again to face the world was all I wanted. My biggest fear was that I would get AIDS and my mother would know about what I did.

All I ever wanted was someone to talk to, but instead I got dragged away into the darkest side of the sexual world. Today I feel disgusted how some people assume that just because you are gay, you are a sex toy to be used. I feel repulsed by the fact that some men would not care even if they screwed a 14 years old boy. “I was gay” -That was their justification! It took me time, a pretty long time, accepting myself for what I was.

I realized that gay kids like me don’t have much of a choice in this world. Most of us are bullied and harassed in school, lot of us fall prey to pervert pedophiles and some give in and commit suicide.I think the worst aspect of growing up as a homosexual teen is the emotional isolation. Life really gets confusing when you have no one to talk to.

So I read and I watched and I did everything to gather more information about the LGBT world and homosexuality. Soon I found haven in the Anti- Bullying pages on Facebook. I talked to a few people there, and told them everything. They comforted me and helped me grow out of my depression. Just having someone to listen to me helped me a lot. Even though the bullying still continues, and I still get beaten up sometimes for being “different”, I have become more optimistic. I know things will change for me,someday. And most of all, I have become stronger and wiser. At least now no pervert can drag me to bed, promising love and inflicting pain. The memories of men forcing me to engage in acts of sex, telling me that this was what being gay meant are still fresh and haunt me but I have grown, not much in years, but a lot in min; and I have made some awesome friends and I am grateful that I didn’t give in and commit suicide. Finally, despite all the hate that I face at school, I have learnt to be happy of what I am. I am 16, I am gay, I am proud but I am not a sex starved kid!

I am not very good with words, but I write this with the hope that the boys who read it don’t make the same mistakes that I did. To my friends, who are still abused and bullied for their sexuality, just remember, there will always be people who would want to use you because of your age, and there will always be bullies and haters. But things get better. I know they will. Don’t give in. Be proud and be strong and keep going on because I think the world is indeed a beautiful place, if we give it a little time.

Gaylaxy
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5 Responses

  1. F. Young

    “I am not very good with words, but…”

    On the contrary, your article is well-written and your story is moving, saddening and angering.

    All the people who should have protected you –your parents, teachers, clergy, adult gays– instead persecuted you and abused you. They should be ashamed, but they are not.

    It is especially shocking that adult gays, who themselves may have been in the same situation as your when they were young and should have understood your extreme vulnerability, took advantage of it instead of protecting you.

    I hope that you will be better than them when you become
    even stroger and more independent, and will help the vulnerable young gays.

    You are remarkably strong to have survived everything you did. You have a lot to offer to a good man and to younger gays.

  2. Varchasv

    Your words have been deeply touching and moving. Needless to say, you’ve gone through a lot, just as many teenagers and other vulnerable people like me have. What’s the need of the hour is to keep going strong. Never give way to pressure or coercion. As you say, you haven’t pulled through it all yet, so you must keep holding on. One thing in life you must understand: by contemplating ending it all, i.e. committing suicide, you’re just straight along the way to letting your foes win, which they don’t deserve. In connection with the same, let’s look at the 2009 movie “Prayers for Bobby”. Bobby is a young gay American youth who’s got the squeeze on to transform himself into an ex-gay, by none other than his own orthodox Mom. This forces the poor, innocent young man to end it all. Imagine what it might have felt to have your own Mom all anti-you. There’s a lesson to be learnt from the movie. The message it gives out is that one must never do something that would be irreversible. You have to thank God for the gift of life he’s made to you. Your mind, soul and body are His. You must not bring an end to it, come what may.
    I am a gay guy who also knows how it feels to be victimized. What all I can say is that being gay doesn’t mean you’re available for all and sundry. All it means is you’re attracted to males, most likely around your age. This is where others go wrong, for they think we’re just use-and-throw stuff. You said you weren’t good with words, but your article was indeed very well put.

  3. Varchasv

    You know, I too have always been keeping dreaming about romancing my boyfriend in the rain, but the sad part is I haven’t run into one yet. I’m just hoping to come cross him someday. Facebook hasn’t really worked for me. After I had deactivated my a/c on Facebook, I went back to thinking what I’d always thought all along – love is hard to encounter in the virtual world. You may only run across your Mr Right in the real world and just fall for him at first sight. Yes, love has to be at first sight, but in person of your lover. I think you are likely to feel this way too.
    You said you keep running up against bullies and others. As I’d said before, what the need of the hour is to keep going strong. Never give way. Always show your bold front to all. They are bound to back down. 🙂

  4. Adithya Kumar

    Well as everyone i too dreamt of having a man who would just be crazy for me and die for me,but slowly i came to know that it just happens in movies or rarely in a few cases….
    I met my guy for the first time for an hookup and after 3 years of regular hook ups with him he got ahead and asked for more than sex.
    But till date there are times when he does hook around and it does put me off thinking am i really with the right guy……
    I could never find that answer till date………

  5. Narian

    Impressed would like to be your friend
    and hope you find solace and peace in this cruel world
    juzz want to ask you one question
    “ARE YOU STILL A PROUD HINDU??”