Why is this to me , why only me?
I don’t understand why should I suffer from this, I can’t understand. Am I the only one who is suffering from this? I can’t take this anymore. I want to to be free and happy forever .
I was sexually abused by one of my relatives when I was really very young – I was only 7 yrs of age. I didn’t know what he was doing but he used to touch my private parts and used to shake as if it gave him pleasure. But I hated it. He used to dress me up like a girl and would abuse me – he used to always tell me that I’m a girl and he is a man and that we are husband and wife. This used to go on and on till I reached the 6th standard .
I couldn’t speak about this to my parents because I didn’t know how to talk about this as I didn’t know what it was. But sometimes I said what was happening with me and in return I would only get beatings, that’s it. I told my cousin about the abuse who in turn told it to my parents. Then they sent him away from home and took me to the psychiatrist, and every month I had to go there and had to attend the session.
Again when I was in my eight standard, my mom had put me into some yoga class and over there too, the yoga teacher started to do the same thing like my relative did ,that is, sexually abuse me. He also considered me as a girl and used to repeatedly say it. But later, I revealed it to my parents and they again took me to the psychiatrist for counselling. They also started to verbally abuse me.
Now I was getting used to it, I had been conditioned that my insight, my feelings, everything was becoming feminine. I started having feminine desires and feminine wishes. I used to dress up like girls secretly and I used to wear saree, put lipstick, wear jewelry and imagine myself as a woman. I used to enjoy it and slowly I started getting attracted towards boys. I wanted someone like a husband who would love me and satisfy me.
I would have my one best close friend with whom I used to share everything and I thought that he would be my partner, my love and my husband. But he only used me to satisfy himself and didn’t love me.
I went in search of love everywhere – on hornet , grindr and on some gay groups but I realised that there was no place for LOVE.
While I was studying for my degree I found a person who was like my messiah, who held my hand and lifted me from those dirty pits. He used to fill me with courage and was trying to change me. I started loving him a lot and I felt he is best suited for me and I longed and desired for him. But for my bad fate he entered into relationship with another girl. I was broken, depressed and was in a disaster as the first person whom I loved so very much for the first time was not there for me. I couldn’t take this anymore I was fed up. I just needed him that was enough for me.
Everywhere and by everyone I got only got called names like Chakka, Mamma etc., But those people didn’t know what was going inside me. They only needed a piece of comedy and as I had this kind of strange behavior they used me.
It’s enough! I can’t take this anymore, these abuses,teasing, beatings – I’m sick of this.
I just need some support, a person who loves me, a person who takes care of me, who would be there for me every time I needed him, I need love that’s it.