Valentine’s day is the day when couples celebrate their love for each other. Every Valentine’s day, I have hoped would be better than the one before. But things didn’t really catch up that well. At this juncture, I was thinking how different my life would have been if I was not Gay.
Most couples give each other an emotional stability. They give a kind of happiness and support. There is always this feeling that whatever happens, you and I will be together. Having dated guys for over 5 years, not one guy had made me feel that way. I end up feeling miserable at dates because they only look at me as a piece of meat for them to taste. My heart goes for a toss. The kiss, the hugs, the eyes, they all are filled with lust. They quench the thirst of the body, but my heart is dry. There has been hardly any initiative or any kind of reciprocation, as all men feel entitled somehow, and expect emotional advances but never give back. Everyday I deal with shame, guilt, fear and sorrow. It takes up a major part of my life and makes me think that I am living a lie. I wish I never came to explore my sexuality. I wish I just lived in conformity with the society.
Attraction to Straight men
The biggest agony for me is that I am constantly attracted to straight men and crave for their attention which I may never get. When a guy is attentive towards you, you go weak on your knees, you yearn for his love and affection. Deep down you know that he’ll never see you that way, and you end up getting heart broken. The fact that 90% of the men that I am attracted to would never in their lifetime be attracted to me kills me every day. I keep away from guys who give me attention, I smile and call them “Bro”, and I try to act casual and hide my feelings behind my smile. I avoid gazing at them, I avoid texting them, hanging out with them. I am sure that I might fall for them, and suffer more than ever. At least they act normal with me. If I was out of the closet, they would keep a distance, so I keep mine and save myself from the shame. Sometimes, when I see a couple, and how the guy takes care of the girl, how he holds her hands, and talks romantically to her,it makes me wonder if I’ll ever get to feel it. Sometimes, I wish I could be romantic with a guy, that I could look into his eyes and give him a peck, but no! That’s not gonna be reciprocated.
Insecurity and Body image issues
Gay men are visual, like any other man. They want a ripped, hot guy. The hotter the guy, the hotter he demands, and more than that these guys demand your ass, and may be only that. From being a chubby teenager, I had been working on myself everyday, all the while, desperately so that I get some attention from a guy I like. But it’s never enough. I am either too cute, or too rugged, I am too tall or not tall enough. They don’t like my hair, they don’t like my hands. Much worse is when I get insecure with the other guys who are extremely handsome. They are ripped, and flawless, they are rich and free. They have no limits in bed and they like to play with any guy they get. I end up feeling so insecure. I am flawed, I am average, I am ordinary and that’s not enough for even those like me. Why would anyone settle with me when they can have three guys with everything?
I wish I could sleep with any guy I want. I wish I could just enjoy life this way, however shallow it may make me feel. But, my heart takes the ruling. Any guy I am interested in, I have to give him my everything and be at a bargain, while he only trumps on me and goes forward with another guy better than me. I feel that I am never satisfied and put in impossible standards for myself and others. When I say impossible, I actually meant those things that I deserve if I were to be with a girl. But with men, it’s almost impossible.
Not just gay relationships, even gay friendships come with a lot of drama. With everyone sleeping with everyone else and dating everyone they can think of, it makes it complicated. One handsome guy and everyone is on the run. I see that no one is happy, and are on constant search, and those who are happy, never do I get a chance to be with them. I don’t know if there is enough drama in straight relationships, but to me it is quite hard to keep with the gay ones. I meet men who are extremely pretentious or those who are desperate and very few take the middle road, and those are the guys who are aloof or happily single or committed. The dynamics of the relationships are very hard for me to understand or stand.
No Social Validity
When I end up dating someone, I still feel miserable as to how I am least of their priorities. They have their friends, their family, their job (which is important), but I am in the shadows. To me, I make it a point that if I date someone they will be important to me, and my friends will know of them, but when it comes to them, I have been that guy they call in oddly hours, and someone they text and delete the texts, someone they don’t introduce to their friends or parents. Not because of anything but that I am his “partner”. There were guys who have done that, but I end up being the “friend” and they have several such “friends” they are close to! And I have been tricked into believing in “friends”, when my ex was in a relationship with the other too! Without social validity, I have no one to protect me, and when I tried to form a stable support system,. they simply wanted their issues to be addressed. Which was way more complicated and deeper.
I wish that I lived a normal life, where I could see men as friends and nothing more. Where I can date a girl and be socially accepted, where everyone celebrates the love we have for each other, like they do on valentine’s day. If not everyone, I wish my lover would treat me special. I yearn for it more than ever! I wish that romance blossoms in life before I die.