My mom always wanted a girl as she already had a boy 5 years ago. But she did not know I will be somewhat like that. I remember seeing girls playing with Barbie dolls and I wanted one too, but I somehow knew that boys don’t play with Barbie dolls. In my third grade a boy mocked me as I expressed my effeminacy carelessly. My brother was sailing in the same boat and he discussed this “problem” with mom. She said she will make me understand what is “right”. Things remained the same till class 7th.
Afterwards I discerned that I must start behaving more like a boy. Hence, I tried to imitate the most manly boy of my class and needless to say, I eventually failed in that. Flash forward, in the latter half of class 10, I came to the conclusion that I am bisexual. A smoke of fear filled up my mind and I kept contemplating the stance of my family. After 4 months I came out on a WhatsApp MUN group succumbing to my undeveloped sub-conscious mind. After clicking SEND, I enjoyed a sense of relief. Obviously, I was bullied for who I was and objectified as a weirdo in my all boys institution.
My experiences initially were pretty sour- a boy of my class was given a dare to hug me and another one to propose me. I remember crying endlessly with no one listening to my tears of injustice. Thereafter, I was about to subscribe for a school trip to Mashobra and one of my classmates asked me who will share a room with a queer individual. This made me tear the cheque and burst into tears. Many experiences such as these took place but all this was overshadowed by the everlasting positivity and acceptance that I received from my friends.
After my first instance of sobbing, I had assumed that I will be kicked out of male’s washroom, be treated as a piece of sh*t but I was unaware of the joyous times that were about to come. I am blessed with a plethora of friends who don’t mind me accompanying them to the restroom, to have a hug, to have a handshake, to talk for hours at end, to ask for help, to have bustling hangouts and many other priceless moments that I was gifted.
Now, I am about to end my journey in high school and I have still not come out to my family, I am leading a dual life. My brother calls me a chhakka every now and then at home, my mom reprimands me if I behave in an effeminate manner. My citations on my graduation ceremony described me as a sensitive and emotional person, and my mom told me that girls are sensitive and emotional.
I still cannot envision myself coming out to my family, everything seems extremely negative and unnerving. Nevertheless, I am overawed at the growth of my country and its citizens and even I am proud to be an Indian. I have not seen my future but I have a strong conviction that everything will fall into place.
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