Previously I had written about not fitting in the gay world. As a Bisexual, I don’t exactly fit in the Straight world as well either. I seem to be a Cat on the wall where I don’t just fit in. After some bitter experiences in the Gay world, I had decided to go with the Straight world, to gel in. But as it turns out, I don’t feel like myself over there too. These are the few reasons for this:
I have zero interest in sports. Although I go to the gym and used to play basketball at school, I never understood sports, and wasn’t great at any. When you are with straight guys, you need to know a bit about wrestling, a bit about cricket or football. I didn’t know it was essential to be good friends with straight people. As much as I don’t watch “Sex and the City” or any such shows, I am not particularly able to make a conversation about “today’s match”. I feel left out.
Drunk Talk/ dance
Men are really stupid when they are drunk. They talk about girls in a way that I don’t understand, rather it is about sleeping with them. I don’t mind it, but I feel bad for the girl who had to sleep with a moron like him. They talk about how they got laid just in a week’s time, and I just think of how they can get laid in a matter of hours with a guy. I don’t know if it is right or wrong, but this is something I can’t just share with them. May be I don’t get drunk because I am scared if I’ll ever get too close to a guy in the group, or too comfortable. Let’s not get to the dance bit.
Expectations and Entitlement
Men are expected to be a certain way in the straight world, and sometimes I find it tiring. Girls get all the pampering, they get all the attention. Sometimes, I look at how the girls behave and how they are taken care of etc., and I kinda get jealous. The thing is, being Bi, I don’t think I have ever felt the need to be with a man or women exclusively, so I don’t bother to pay so much attention to both, as I have options; but they expect me to give them more attention than I feel like giving, and I don’t want to.
Though I don’t give attention per se, I believe in mutual attention, as in give and take, if I am interested. But in the straight world, the attention has to go from the men to women, at least initially, and it pisses me off. Why are men to be deprived all this attention? I wish women or men hit me, but that hardly happens, and then I hit on both men and women, and when there is any reciprocation, are they really are hitting just on me or everyone else?
Sometimes when I see a muscular friend of mine, I might not want to sleep with him, but I want to hug him, but now I can’t do that. I don’t think I can lay my head on his shoulders or put my head on his lap. I have to keep a minimum distance with him, keep my eye contact less, talk or discuss about anything but my emotions. Also, I am scared of getting close to any guy as I might end up falling for him and then I don’t want to get into any ruckus.
Constant fear of being outed
Sometimes, I have to be careful that I don’t look too close on the guys, that I don’t give out a “vibe”, that I keep it cool around men. But then when I see a handsome guy who is so straight, I know for a fact that I can’t think of him in any other way, I have to be around him and keep it cool, I have to pretend that I am straight and that I have zero feelings for him. I have to pretend to be his friend when he is close, or pretend to not care when he texts. Be it while texting, calling, meeting, I am constantly in fear of getting close or taking the signals wrong. “What if he is being normal to me and I mistook it?” I don’t know, I don’t take the chances.
Every guy I meet becomes my Bro and it really pisses me off. Like the frustration I have with girls “friendzoning”, its pretty much the same with guys. Even with a girl I can always say it directly but with men, I have to keep a distance anyway. As much as it had saved me from creeps, I feel like a creep when someone uses it too much on me.
Sometimes all this pretending makes me wonder if I should just come out as a “Bi-sexual”. But then would that get me closer to the men and women, or make them weary and apprehensive about me?