As a closeted Bisexual, I feel that I am not understood. I am not understood by both gay men and straight men. May be because being gay is portrayed in a way that I am not and it is hard to fit in. When I went to meet a gay friend of mine, he made me wear make up and I just wanted to throw up. I didn’t want to dance Bharathnatiyam, nor do I enjoy “classical” music of any sort. I don’t watch “RuPaul’s drag race”, nor do I always pout for the selfies. I don’t want to dress up and giggle and I don’t have “Girl” friends. I don’t like to be referred as “she” nor will I want to refer a man as “she”.
May be the only thing that I feel is similar with another gay guy would be the fact that both of us want to be with a man. And having said that, I want a Man, who would have the attributes of a man. No, that does not make me a girl, no I don’t want to behave like one too. I am not so expressive and I am not dramatic. I don’t want to walk in heels or wear fancy clothes and have long hair. I don’t in anyway identify myself as a girl, in fact I am very comfortable being a man. There are things, like sports, that I don’t really like. I might not be the most rugged, but I like to sport a beard. I like to have muscles and flex. May be there are days, when I listen to melody and watch rom-coms, but that is perfectly fine with me.
I have played with Barbies and Trucks, I have a group of girls and guys as friends. I am very comfortable with straight men (may be if they are ridiculously hot, I might stare at them from time to time), but I am not so comfortable with the “bitch” talks of gay men. In short, I am not flamboyant.
May be I get frustrated when I see a guy who is ultra manly but I can’t have him because he is straight. I can’t be “just friends” with him. On the other hand, I don’t want to date those who are available, or may be even not wish they knew about me, because they are not my type. I feel guilty for being so judgmental, but the fact that I tried, but I didn’t fit in stays the same.