I knew I was born different since I was in Class Four but it was vague for me too, to believe in it until I reached my spinster life. Social media has been very kind to me, otherwise I wouldn’t have known the greatness of good people. I met good people mostly from social media. Being a writer, I was engaged in a lot of work online – publishing blogs, poetry, updating books, etc. And then I met this girl, ‘Ranshi’ through a writing platform.
Ranshi pinged me one day on Facebook during Durga Puja. I still remember the date, it was 16th October, 2016. I read her message but I didn’t think that she would force me to write more good stuffs online that she had suggested. Of course, I didn’t fall instantly. Without giving a second thought, I joined her writing community and we started to blog together. She would send me her stories, and I being little insecure, would still hide my scars. We talked about why the moon shines and the sky exists, we talked about religion, we talked philosophy, we looked and always discussed things that were taboo. We had arguments and Ranshi would always let me win the dispute. We came closer day by day. Then we exchanged numbers, we talked and laughed endlessly. Yes, we fell and grew in love. I couldn’t live a day without her. I realized that she was my real happiness that I always wanted.
And then one day my parents decided to choose a suitor and I was courting. I knew that I would get married soon because I was born up in a typical family which says, ‘Girls are responsibilities that should be given on time.’ Disturbed and mentally frustrated, I wanted to divert my attention totally from Ranshi. I pushed her. I didn’t fight for my love. I started to focus on society, which was wrong.
Meanwhile I went on to grow up my book project. I published a book- a little success with pretty feedbacks with one such simple yet attractive response, ‘Good work,’ from a girl named ‘Anshi’. Her words were simple but she was very attractive. I started to take interest in her. Maybe I was a lesbian? Or maybe my early love was fake? Or maybe I simply wanted to make myself happy and fine? I pushed Ranshi, but maybe I found another love? No, I was pushing her far and one day she knew that I was interested in another girl. I even declared to Ranshi that I was in love with Anshi. And I lost her forever.
Meanwhile I was engaged to this new man whom I didn’t liked. Three relationships at one time. Well, I was depressed and devastated. I had created problems myself. I had these questions. Am I a playgirl? Am I a lesbian? Am I a Bisexual? Or am I a Pansexual? I had no idea about my sexuality.
I love the vibe, soul and eyes. I was love. I am love. I fall for love. However, this man and I were not at all compatible. With a heavy heart, I actually tried to continue with what my parents wanted. I was a coward. I had no courage to accept my sexuality and to come out in front of my family. I swear, today I wouldn’t be here to type my story with the world. My family would have killed me.
And conservative families are very dangerous. I have a lot of experience. But probably we were destined to split and the relationship ended as my parents didn’t like their home environment and I was happy that somehow God was with me. I was single again, but deep down I knew that heterosexual marriage is my ultimate fate.
I missed Ranshi, I cried for days because I had hurt her and myself in order to keep her away, because I didn’t want to make things difficult for her. Or maybe I was making things easy for myself to live. In any case, we were hurt. Extremely hurt.
And Anshi was a beautiful idea to keep myself alive. I loved her. We met in real, we created beautiful moments together- just talking and crying. I loved Anshi, she loved me. But that cannot surpass the love of Ranshi. Ranshi loved me as if only I existed in the entire world. And I swear, I didn’t forget her at all. At all.
And again, the cycle continues. I pushed Anshi as well, I was again engaged to this amazing man. Anshi fell for another girl in her life. That broke me. I was helpless. I really thought that Karma is a bitch. And what’s goes around comes back. It happened with me.
I left everything. I didn’t write for probably a year,I was not much active on social media. I could not even find or contact Ranshi. She went into utter depression and I was responsible for that. I was responsible for both Ranshi and Anshi.
But I was blessed with this man who is now my husband. My sexuality is behind the curtains. It’s been years, and the irony is I hear from both Ranshi and Anshi. We three, aren’t doing great in our lives because we three are interlinked. We three were writers and we often read things that were mostly related to us. And it hurts. It still hurts.
I am happily married. My husband is very caring and loving, he understands everything. I am able to love him for whatever he gifted me. I love my man. I am a little open about my sexuality but I am learning to keep the spirit alive so that one may not get confused about their sexual orientation like me.
We three have moved on in our lives. We started to focus on what’s really important. All I could do is to make my love immortal in the pages. But I know, we write the same.
And today a part of me is missing. I miss Ranshi in my life. Nobody can love the way she did. I still love her. I still really do but I know I have my life now so I don’t accept the fact. I am happy but she is missing.
I wish I had the audacity to fight for my sexuality. I am a Pansexual and Bisexual person but nobody knows, and I think first love is always special and true. Ranshi is mine forever. I love her and life is meant to be lived, with or without her. It must go on.
She is an Author, a Storyteller and an Interviewer.
Sikh | Literature | Panglossian | Demisexual
- The Married Woman - June 9, 2021