No Closets to Live In


Falling Free

‘Do not sit here if you don’t want to get into trouble’ I still remember Neerja, my roommate warning me during my first week in my hostel.

‘What’ this was one of many times when she left me bewildered by her prompt out of context remarks.

‘She is looking at you’ Neerja informed me in her as usual neutral tone while stirring in her coffee and paying no heed to my expressions at her comment.

That time I felt like I have been caught red handed by her but was yet so amazed at the fact that she was taking this game of hide and seek between me and my future gal (now distant past though) so casually. And I know for sure that she was fine with my game as she is one of the persons who wear their opinions on their sleeves.

Let me come to the love story of my life. The girl that I used to get attention from while sitting in my balcony became my partner with in next week. She never said anything but just started living with me and my roommate willingly moved to another room. I did not know what homosexuality was and how that stigma can ruin my life without me knowing. After four years of courtship she just left one day for the logic that she will have to go someday so she is going today.

I do not even know that I am a lesbian as I have never been with any other girl after her. It was pure connection, irrespective of gender, face colour, social status, profession, religion. I should mention that she was studying to be a nurse and I had just joined my MBBS. Doctors end up marrying nurses many a times but we cannot deny that they have to face resistance from everyone. In my case nothing was matching if you look thorough social police spectacles but we were meant for each other and people near us learned that very soon. So I never had to live in closet, I was happy and everyone would hear about that. My family accepted her the way I could never imagine, my mother said that she was happy that I had someone to share the life with. When she left me, my mother became very concerned about my heart broken condition, I had to go home to console her and make her believe that I was fine and was moving on.

People who love me accepted me immediately I made the decision to be with a girl then how can I listen to you people who disgust homosexuals and say that it is against the so called social rules. Its not only my story, its almost everyone’s story who has chosen to not live in the closet. People face struggle on family front but they get support from friends, that really makes them going. We will go on as we have enough to linger on to, no matter you recognize us or not. We are not living on closets, you have not met us just because you have never tried to ease urself out of that discomfort which you feel when you hear the word homosexual.

My friends were very mad at her when she left. My first roommate then asked me one day,’ Are you not mad at her for leaving.’

‘She would have never left if she had a choice.’ And I really meant it when I said that without any hatred towards my ‘by then ex lover’. The trail of non sense spats followed by loving gestures ended suddenly just because it was supposed to end according to the rule book.

I am now working in the corporate system, manipulation is the first thing we learn. In the end of the day when I do not have anything to feel good I remind myself that I am the person who loved someone and merged in her so perfectly without having the hint of ego even after knowing that the end result will be life time of misery. And that thought pulls me out of darkest and deepest well of my own conscience. I feel great, I feel better than any of you, I feel superior to all of you.

We come from very rich culture, the whole human race comes from a rich culture, and our gurus have never described the marriage the union of two people but the union of two souls. So my question is ,’when did the souls start to have a face, name and religion’. The union with one’s partner should be easiest thing in today’s competitive world as we fake it all, all day long. I just ask you to give me right to choose the arms I want to get held in.

You might not believe it but to find your soul mate is easiest in comparison to find anything else in this life. The eyes just meet and you know that your life will change soon. Let it stay that way, let it stay easy, let it stay beautiful and unaltered the way it is meant to. We have million issues that we can call conferences and act smart and give others advise.

Let me pursue my pursuit of togetherness.

Sukhdeep Singh