I am a 35-years-old gay man living in Bangalore since birth. I love to take risks and challenges in any manner, be it professional or personal.
I was chatting with a guy from another city for sometime. Last weekend, I went to meet him and wanted to spend some quality time together. Both of us had a wonderful time – coffee and lunch. He tagged me along to a house party that had six other men, apart from me and my date.
I cooked food for all of us. We had a couple of drinks and good conversation and had dinner. As I was in someone else’s house, I didn’t drink much, but realized that I was not in my senses. I immediately hit the bed.
While sleeping, I felt someone climbing and sitting on me. I realized that someone was fucking me. It hurt. It hurt so much that I was in a lot of pain and agony. I was barely conscious and was trying my best to resist, but in vain. Just then someone walked inside the bedroom and the guy behind me pulled back. I heard the removal of the condom.
I was hurt and tired and fell asleep. I was woken up by my date after sometime. Ho many minutes or hours had passed, I am not sure. I was then taken to the hotel of the friend of my date.
Till then I wasn’t aware as to who had raped me. Four of us reached the hotel. While going inside the room, the 4th guy who was a friend of the hotel owner, whispered that it was a nice fuck.
I wanted to scream at him and kick his genitals and slap the shit out of him.
I didn’t. The reason being, I was with my date and also it was someone else’s hotel room. I was exhausted too. When I woke up in the morning, the 4th guy had already left the city.
When I narrated the same to my date and his friend, I was surprised to hear my date’s reply. He said, “No big deal. Yeh Sab Chalta Hain. Just leave it and move on.”
I was heartbroken and seemed violated.
I was sexually abused 27 years ago for a span of 5 years. I didn’t know what was it called then. Now I know – it is called RAPE.
My date and I went back to the house where the house party took place to pick up a few things. And when I spoke to the host of the house, most knew that I was raped when one of the guys from the group had walked in to the bedroom. That’s when the host asked everyone to leave the house.
No one tried to intervene or question the rapist.
I regret every bit of my action and learnt a lesson through the costliest mistake in my life.
A piece which I wrote when I wanted to end my life:
My innocence, his sex toy.
My freedom, his sex toy.
My body, his sex toy.
My non-consent, his rape.
They knew, he is safe.
They knew, I am not safe.
My pain, everyone’s gain.
I reached out to my friends and family who supported me.
After returning to Bangalore, I haven’t been able to resume work. There is pain in my abdomen, my anus and pain all over my body and mind. I am unable to think anything else other that dark night.
The men in the house were very generous and loving, including the rapist. Guess I trusted them blindly.
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