My Journey As a Closeted Trans Individual

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 I always felt this is not me whenever I was dressed as a boy. I knew something isn’t right but never had the courage to say this. I was 13 when I knew who I am but kept quiet all these years. For family, for society for people who never mattered to me. I have spent 35 years in this world now and can only request you to not repeat my mistake. 

Since childhood, I loved wearing my sister’s dresses. It was a custom that whenever she bought a new dress I was the one who tried it first. I never felt different about it until the world told me. I was 10 when suddenly this stopped and my Mom told me not to wear her dresses. It was not like I was wearing them all the time, only occasionally and especially when she used to get a new dress. I never liked boy’s clothings; they were always the same- pant and shirt or t-shirt; dull, boring and disgusting but I wore them. 

I started forgetting those touches of dresses and the happiness in wearing them. I stopped playing with my sisters and started playing macho sports like Cricket and Football. But I never enjoyed it, neither was I good at it. 

When I entered High school, boys of my age were man enough to fight and brawl and I kept myself away from these on some pretext or another. I positioned myself as a boy, or as they say a “normal boy”, but deep down I was missing something. I was recognised as someone weak, I was bullied but no one ever questioned my sexuality. May be it was a town too small for anyone to suspect anything like this or may be it was my luck. 

I was 13 when I finally realised that this is not me, this is not my body. I want something else which as a child I was too afraid to talk. I kept fantasising myself as a girl in my dreams and started living the life in dreams only. In reality, at times when I was alone I felt sad. Days and years passed by as I firmly positioned myself as a boy playing sports and taking part in college politics, but deep down I was not the same. Whenever I got a chance, I dressed myself in my sister’s clothes and lived the life for a tiny bit of moment. 

I was 13 when I finally realised that this is not me, this is not my body. I want something else which as a child I was too afraid to talk. I kept fantasising myself as a girl in my dreams and started living the life in dreams only.

In 2007 I got my own computer with internet. I started researching what is happening to me. I wanted to be a girl but I was a boy. I started feeling I was gay. But then I never fantasised myself as a boy with a boy. Then what was going on? I cried. I cursed God for making me like this. 

I joined a gay dating site and met a man. We talked for a couple of days. He asked me about my “likes” and I told him I like to be a girl; I like make up, dresses, flowers. He told me I am a crossdresser and never talked to me again. I now knew the term crossdresser. 

I bought a wig, a dress and lipstick in 2007. I was living with a friend in a 2 BHK apartment now and I kept hiding it in my trunk. Whenever I got the chance I dressed up. In 2010, I started earning and I started buying stuffs for myself. Cosmetics, jewellery, dresses, saree, wigs everything. Youtube was my friend and guide where I learnt all traits. 

I met many men and was physically intimate with them. Never fell in love with any guy. Though I had a few boy crushes. I had a girlfriend for a year and in that one year I stopped crossdressing. I never enjoyed physical relationship with her. However, I enjoyed shopping with her. Whenever she went for shopping for cosmetics, dresses or simple earrings, I joined her like I was buying something for me. 

I threw off all my stuff thrice just to stop doing this. I wanted to turn into a full MAN in socially acceptable terms. I failed. I live alone, I dress up and enjoy my drink feeling life like never before.

Now I am 35 and single. Never said anyone anything. Went into depression but did not reveal anything to my family. I have started to visit a therapist. It is helping. May be I will come to know who I am and what I want and I will be able to tell my family. 

I now feel it would have been easier for me had I told them at an early age. Don’t repeat my mistake talk to your family. Or at least go to some therapist who will help you in coming out. Hidden desires are silent killers. Don’t fall prey for them. 

Sonal Prasad

Sonal Prasad is 33 years old, single and happy. She isfrom Odisha and has been living in Ahmedabad for 2 years.

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