With a new found freedom after his divorce, the Bangalore Pride this year was a special one for Anirban
I definitely have seen over thirty 2nd of Decembers, but this second day of the last month of 2012 will forever leave a mark in my memory. The day was nothing less than a re-discovery for me. This must be a self-journey of almost two years. I always was a self-loather. It was not related to me being gay but rather I used to be engraved in a feeling of the greatest dumb-ass among them. Perhaps few incidents in my life had made me feel like that.
It was almost in early April 2010 that I came out to my spouse after an erratic errand from my native place, Kolkata. This must have been a great day for me but definitely not for my family life. Because it signaled the beginning of the wide rift between two people who were definitely enjoying their family life prior to it. Six months after that neither me nor my wife were really in good talking terms. We were just carrying on. My long lived smile had already vanished and more than her it was me who was engrossed in the feelings of guilt, shame and despair. I felt being in a vicious trap. She continued to be in a denial mode despite going through countless internet and friendly chats with her close friends. But how long could it have continued? In one such day of despair, I dreamt of a freedom, a self happiness. Perhaps thoughts make dreams and dreams make things. And finally it happened when both of us decided to part ways. This was definitely not the end of the road.
After we filed for the first motion of MCD (Mutual Consent Divorce) way back in March 2012, I came back to Bangalore with not so high hopes. I continued to be in the mode of self-pity and self-loathing. My parents raised apprehensions of me staying alone in a big city. It was obvious for them. But I had to embrace the life I have chosen. I was though not able to figure it out. Every time I faced the mirror, I did not like the face and the features I have. So I may have come out as gay but definitely did not love myself at any cost. A chance meeting with a yoga instructor was perhaps going to throw away all the lids of the bottles of feelings that I had bound within me. I was not changing into a saint but what the instructor let me understand was the importance of health, which I was definitely neglecting. In the next few months I began to concentrate on my health. I became almost a complete vegan. Asanas, Pranayamas and meditation became almost like daily routine. In April 2012 I was about 65 Kg but in just about four months my weight became 55 KG which is quite near to my BMI. I became slimmer and I have never seen before the flexibility I have gained. My feelings of an unhappy family life were long lost. I began to meet friends I knew.
I realized my sense of déjà-vu of my hard work on 2nd Dec. I was one among the thousands who were walking down the city’s roads showing placards and marching for the pride. But I was in my own sway-song. I overheard a couple of guys of nearly my age and who are known to me. They remarked, ‘How this guy is so slim?’ My faith catapulted to greater heights when while returning home after the pride march I entered into a friendly chat with my fellow passenger in the bus. In the long chat that ensured between us one of the statements he said ‘You don’t seem to have over seven years of industry experience. You look so young. I must confess I thought you are a student who has just a come to join a company as a fresher’. I am not sure whether these were flattery or just comments.
Pride marches will continue to come and go. But these few people have me made realize that I am no way behind anybody. I may not be a next door handsome guy but I am neither a next door loath-able dog. I am surely now proud of myself. I have rather become choosy on many aspects including that of gay world’s most wanted stuffs.
- A Different Tribute - April 9, 2013
- Rediscovering with Pride - January 3, 2013
- DIALOGUES 2012 – The Annual Calcutta LGBT Film & Video Festival - November 30, 2012