Almost all the gay men I have met had gone through an episode of molestation in their lives, which had changed them beyond what their eyes can see. I have had a faint memory of it happening to me, and I don’t know if it triggered me into liking men, or if I had feelings long before.
Molestation/abuse is an event of taboo, most of us don’t give it any importance, and some give it too much. Some try to forget it whereas some don’t remember it at all. But behind the skull there is a scene repeating itself everytime. I remember how I got uncomfortable and feel vulnerable around a lot of men. I used to feel exposed. I don’t know how many had felt that way, but the feeling also comes with a sexual vulnerability. In relationships, it affects more than we know, subtly.
Lack of intimacy
Your body is the first boundary you have around your world, and what goes inside or on the body, if forced, scars you at a tender age. When you have been violated that way, you make the boundaries stronger, and rigid. You build a wall around you that you don’t let anyone penetrate. You get paranoid when someone tries to break into the wall. Sometimes, you wish that someone did break inside, but the more they try, the more you force them out.
Whether you were violated by a stranger or someone from your family, you suddenly feel that you had been taken advantage of. You don’t understand why someone would take advantage of your trust, your naivete. You start to question everyone, you feel that people come to use you, and once their work is done, they leave you. You even start hating your parents as they simply let you get molested. It was their duty to protect you and when they didn’t protect you, you feel that no one can protect you. The only thing you trust is the wall you had built around you.
Lack of intimacy usually comes with commitment issues. You feel that you are broken somewhere, and that you cannot be fixed. If you like someone, you wish that they find someone better, than be with a person who is damaged, like you. Everyone around you would feel like being perfect and that you are used and violated. With trust issues and intimacy problems, two important things needed for a relationship, you don’t easily get into a commitment, and even if you do, you would do everything to sabotage it.
Most of us live our lives saying that I am like this, because it’s my nature. May be it could have been something that happened in your childhood that is still stopping you from living the romance you want to. Those who knew about this already, those who just connected the dots, those who don’t understand, those who have a faint memory of it, and those who are in denial; to all of you I simply have to say that its not easy. It’s not easy when you are constantly afraid of being violated. It’s not easy when you can’t be close or be open to your loved ones. You can’t emote! It takes time, it takes effort, and a lot of strength to get past your past. Know that you are not alone, and don’t let the past define your present!