Usually walk of shame happens when you have had sex with a total stranger, and you just regret having done that while getting back home in the morning. But, to me it was different. A few months back, I met a guy. He was really smart, well behaved and very talented. Mind you, I didn’t meet him on any app, but at work. Everytime he came for work, he gave special attention to me; while other men “see”, he “watched” me. He used to openly make it clear that he was there to see me and only me. I used to feel so special. But I never had the guts to reciprocate.
Partly because the reputation he had for being a player. He was extremely smart, very soft spoken and had that charm. Girls fell for him so easy. I used to act like I don’t like him, but all my peers started noticing the attention I got from him. He talked only to me, the way he looked at me, how closely he stood, how he got pissed if I had a fight with him, how he called if he knew I was upset. We never really told each other if we loved, but then he started taunting me to be “gay” and we had a fight on that. But he still talked, still called, and we went out together secretly, and he had put my picture as his DP, etc.
I was not sure if he was interested in me, or he was doing all this because I he needed something from me. I had then come to know that he got a lot of offers for work, but he had refused all, as he was interested to work with me. Having said all this I never made a move. But he would invite me in private to go out with him. I refused initially, and then agreed.
One day he came all the way to a resort for some one hour just because I called. The next day he said he wants to get a drink. I suggested a bar, but he said he wanted to drink privately. I suggested him the car, but then he said that his house was free. I kinda guessed where this was going. I got him drinks and we went to his place. I suggested we watch a movie in his laptop. We sat in the hall. But then he invited me to the bedroom. We took our beer and went there, and I got drunk, while he was quite steady.
Middle of the movie, he started talking about his ex – a girl. I asked him to shut it. I honestly didn’t want to spoil the mood. Then he forced me to drink more, I didn’t know why. He was getting sloshed. All this seemed like he was trying to sleep with me. But then he told me that some girl apparently likes him and he is pushing her off, but that she is a nice girl. I was getting openly jealous now. Later we started talking, and he told me that he liked me (not in a romantic way), he said that he liked me because I was very friendly to everyone and because I didn’t have any ego etc. I told him I liked him cos he was very talented. We kinda were speaking and the drunk me wanted to hug him. But he pushed me away!
Several times at night, we would get cozy and there were moments when he used to just look at me, and I knew he wanted to kiss me. He started teasing me as “Gay” and I would hit him (drunk) and we would have those moments where we touch each other. At one point I was literally on top of him, hugging him, while he did nothing. but then he would ask me to move away. I would. I thought later that he would make a move. But he didn’t. I kinda couldn’t sleep. I was going around, and trying to hug him and he would ask me to move away. I don’t know what happened there, but then it felt like he didn’t actually like me.
I know this sounds so confusing, and I just told myself not to make a move, because may be he wasn’t really into me. I wish someone told me, “Yes, he is into you”. But I am not sure as the whole night went by me sleeping in the same bed, but not touching him. I woke up in the morning feeling miserable. It seemed as if I was behind him or I was disturbing him. I got up and left. I didn’t want him to say, “Move away” yet again. It was kinda humiliating, and made me look like I was some sex addict. Honestly, all I wanted was to cuddle him and sleep.
I walked away from his house. Not getting kissed, not getting hugged, no romance. Just like some victim of a sick joke, I walked away feeling miserable. I realized that I have never had a walk of shame after sex, because anyone I had slept with, I would have probably had a good time, treated right and left completely satisfied even. But with what happened that night, I felt ugly, I felt “haram”, I felt like this disgusting thing.
Worst of all that, the guy then went out with this girl, and that literally broke my heart. It seemed like I was being played. May be they were all right about him being a player, may be I fell for it, how much ever I tried not to. But my friend told me that he might be confused. That he might love me but he is too scared to say it out, or express. I don’t know if he told about what had happened to others. But it seemed like he didn’t. Everytime I see the girl, I feel so jealous and he knows it too.